A Guide To Starting Therapy
First-hand experience of talking therapy from a client’s perspective
Can therapy help? Can therapy make me worse?
Have you ever found yourself asking these questions? You’re not alone. So much of therapy can feel mystical and vague. Rather than just explaining from a psychologist’s or therapist’s perspective, we thought it would be better to hear from someone who has gone through therapy recently. I (Becky) asked one of my client’s, Pas* whether he would be willing to share his experience of therapy with me and luckily, he happily volunteered! I sent Pas a list of common questions about therapy and his exact answers are shared below. Keep reading to hear about Pas’ open and honest perspective on his experience of therapy and any advice he has for anyone considering starting therapy.
Thank you for volunteering to share your experience of therapy with me to help anyone who may be considering starting therapy. I’ve got a few questions but feel free to share anything you feel is important, I’ll start with a bit about your experience of therapy and then we can go into more about what advice and tips you have for anyone thinking about starting therapy if that’s okay? There are no right answers, it’s just helpful to hear your experience and only share what you feel comfortable to share!
What was your experience of finding a therapist?
This was the first time I’ve gone to therapy outside [birth country]. Back home, you usually get recommendations from friends or therapist's of friends, and then it's a trial and error process until you find someone you get along with. I only had one therapist that I saw for quite a while, around 2 years, and it took me about 4 months to find him, after visiting several that for one reason or the other I wasn't convinced about. Coming from that experience, I believe in this case I was really lucky. AXA, my private health insurance at the moment, made me talk to someone, for no more than 20 minutes, that could assess my needs, and after that recommended me to a therapist. They were a great fit and I was able to get a ton of help right away.
How did you feel during the process of finding a therapist?
Vulnerable and anxious. Vulnerable cause I was reaching out for help, and I had to share my motives for doing so with people (people before reaching a therapist) that weren't yet someone I had any connection with or knew I would have time to build that connection and trust. Anxious cause I had decided I needed help and that brings with it the full recognition that something's not fine, which made want to fix it right away.
When did you feel you were ready for therapy?
I don't think I have resistance to therapy in any way. I just believe it takes some time and commitment, so I wouldn't start going to therapy after any minor inconvenience. In my case I was struggling with sleep and work-related anxiety for some time, had tried several things by myself to address them without luck, and it reached a point in which the disruption on my life was greater than the time and energy investment I'd have to put on going to therapy.
What were your expectations of therapy before you started?
Back in [birth country], I had always done psychoanalysis, and my idea of CBT was that it was quite different. The therapist would do a lot more talking, their observations would be more directive in nature, and I would get guidance of varying specificity on how to approach whatever issues I brought to the sessions. In my particular case of having trouble falling asleep, I expected the outside perspective to bring some sense into the situation and make some probably obvious blunders I was doing come up to the surface.
How were you feeling before and after your first session?
Before the first session I felt anxious because I felt that my problem was urgent and I anticipated that nothing would help me as fast as I needed. Nights were tortuous and days lethargic. I had waited too long to seek help and therefore deep in the mud. I was also doubtful whether therapy in English would be useful.
After the first session I felt hopeful because I trusted that Rebecca could help me. That first session also helped to calm me down significantly, even though the situation didn't become any easier from one moment to the next. I had some specific actions to implement, I had a lot more context about my problem, how serious it actually was, and the expectations I could have for treating it. All that helped me put the issue in the right perspective, see it more for what it is without my emotions overwhelming me, and get confidence that I wasn't going to be crushed by it.
So far, how would you describe your experience of therapy in three words?
Warm
Efficient
Insightful
Was there anything that helped you, alongside therapy that supported you during your journey?
Books, some of them recommended by you, like “Mating in captivity”, “It's called a breakup because it's broken”, and some others like “Rest”, “Letting go”, “The power of letting go”, and “Braving the Wilderness”. Opening up to friends and sharing with them I think helped. Giving myself time and space to deal with things in whichever way I felt I needed to, like travelling.
How did you find having your sessions online?
Surprisingly good. I have to be really mindful of context hygiene, like putting my phone in silence, closing everything else in the computer, finding a space where I won't be interrupted and ideally not heard or seen by anyone. It also helps me setting aside 15 mins before and after the session as a check in and check out from everyday life, since switching from, eg. working, on one moment and opening up on the next one is not easy. Going to a session in person sometimes provides that naturally because you have to physically go there and come back.
Was there anything you found challenging about therapy?
Opening up and being patient. Even though I think therapy makes opening up easier and sometimes just at all possible, I have more experience than I'd like to admit on looking the other way and coming up with distractions to avoid opening up even to myself and dealing with the truly important things in my life. By being patient I mean both persevering on the issues that take me time to figure out and also letting some processes run their course. Letting some processes run their course can sometimes be painful and quite an active endeavour.
Looking back, was there anything about therapy that surprised you?
The effect of having some sort of goal and feedback loop. This is my first experience with it and I think it really helps me put an ever so gentle sense of urgency that makes me step up my game.
If you were going to go through therapy all over again, how would you go about it?
I would take more time to reflect about the sessions and journal about them or the current theme throughout the week.
What advice would you give someone considering starting therapy?
Don't be a wuss and do it! The more sympathetic version would be: If you are considering starting therapy, that probably means you have needed it for a while and just now your resistance has lessened enough for you to give it a more serious chance. Therapy has almost no downside, and a huge potential. At the end of the day I think there aren't any other alternatives that provide a better scenario.
Although each therapeutic journey is different, there can be misconceptions of what is *actually* involved in psychological therapy.
In simple terms, how would you describe your experience of therapy with me to others?
Everything will stem from whatever you bring to the sessions and Rebecca's suggestions based on the overarching goals you defined together. Each session starts with a check-in to see where you are at, how you are feeling, and how the previous week went. It provides a smooth transition between your everyday headspace and the more introspective and vulnerable state convenient for therapy. Then you'll have a more long form talk about something you brought to the session, some exercise suggested by Rebecca to gain more clarity, understanding or figure out possible paths forward, or the themes you are struggling with. At all times Rebecca will help you to keep the delicate balance between addressing what's relevant right now and the more general medium/long term goals you have; also the balance between holding yourself accountable and opening up with taking into account how capable you are in that moment of doing so given your stress or emotional availability. After that, the wrap up will usually include suggestions about what to do to keep raising awareness about what was discussed, like journaling, and sometimes specific exercises with questions and diagrams that you can do in your own time and later discuss with her.
Alongside our 50-minute sessions, I have found that clients often see the most progress when they implement what we have discussed in their life outside of sessions.
What tips would you give to others to get the most out of each therapy session?
Be vulnerable, commit yourself mentally, and emotionally. You will get a lot more than you put in, but you need to invest. Put away some time to reflect on the things that come up in sessions, write about them to raise awareness and write down during the week things you think may be relevant to your next session. If there's a model that you find useful, review it regularly, make introspection a regular part of your life.
Thank you Pas for your openness, honesty and for agreeing to share your experience to help others!
If reading Pas’ experience has resonated with you and made you want to take that next step then please do get in touch to book in your free 15-minute telephone call with Becky today.
*Please note that Pas gave signed informed consent to share his experiences here and was given plenty of time to share his answers to the questions above. Pas’ real name has been changed throughout and any identifying information has been removed to protect his confidentiality.
Dr Becky Ashton
Hi I’m Dr Becky Ashton, a Clinical Psychologist and founder of the Online Psychology Hub.
I believe that when you are feeling lost and stuck, you deserve therapy that is kind, easy-to-access and tailored to you during difficult times.
I’m based in London, UK but enjoy working with people across the UK and worldwide. When I’m not working, you can find me being active, exploring new places and eating homemade cookies.
Other Resources:
What are the differences between a therapist and counsellor?